For Julian

It has now been nine years since I first started writing about Julian. I've seen him through several changes---some of them more major than others. When I started my novel, he was a Cain-like young man who had killed his brother. His last name, in fact, was Cain. I wasn’t very subtle at age 19.  I gave Julian the last name Cain.  His father was named Adam (after the first man), and then I changed his name to David (after King David).  The father had a brother named Simon (after Simon LeBon).  And then I named the father Keith (after Keith Moon).  There was a psychiatrist named Dr. Strode (Halloween reference), and then her name changed to Dr. Sybil Woodward (Sybil reference).  After a while, I learned that characters don’t necessarily need to be named for other people.  And they don't necessarily need biblical names!  It's true that I now have a male character in my stories who has a twin sister named Diana Hunter.  But I didn’t even intend for the Artemis/Apollo connection.  Maybe I did a little.  But at least some of it was subconscious.  Over time, I have gotten better at learning how to internalize ideas so that the metaphors come more naturally. 
Things have changed a lot in the past nine years.  Julian doesn't even have a brother anymore.  He’s gone from being a man whore to being virtually asexual.  Writing about an asexual and making it interesting is definitely hard since books and movies rely on sex for not only entertainment value but also for their emotional core.  It’s certainly a big step for a writer like me.  When I first started this story, it was full of murder, sex and mayhem.  A reader of mine said, in October 2008, “As for Julian, you'll have to decide what kind of character he is in such situations. Either he finally gives in and has sex, as most normal boys would, or you decide that he is a much more idiosyncratic character who is too self absorbed and confused to give in to the carnal in a moment of mental weakness.”  I decided that I liked the idea of my character being idiosyncratic.  After all, the year I started writing about Julian, I had gone from loving John and Joan Cusack (this was before John Cusack sold out) to obsessing over Joaquin Phoenix. 
And really, what other reason is there to write, or read or watch a movie if not for the unexpected moments and the idiosyncratic characters?
I used to write constantly.  I didn't even care that it was all nonsense. But ever since I've gone through writer's conferences and an MFA program where I got my Masters in Creative Writing, it's kind of begun to feel like a chore at times to write. And I think I'm scared too. So long as I never go near the computer, or never pick up the pen, I don't have to deal with the fact that I might have nothing decent to say. It's hard to make that effort, though once I start writing, there are times when the words almost come on their own. And I can just as easily get excited about a new paragraph as I can about five new pages. The truth is, it's not hard for five pages to be reduced to a paragraph in the span of one editing session anyway. Sometimes all anything is is one well written paragraph that has been extended beyond reason.

As for Julian, I find myself coming back to him, even on the rare occasions when I try to write about someone else.  I may call the character Tyler or Devon, but it's still Julian that I'm writing about.  I was in a writer's workshop once where another writer said to me that it sounded like I had a crush on Julian. And maybe that was true. After all, in my stories, my female characters were all prettier versions of myself, and the men were their male counterparts. It got to the point where Julian was just too beautiful for me to even imagine.  I knew he had so much potential, and my limited imagination was stifling him.  When I started out, he had some safe, boring name.  It took some guts, but I finally changed his name to Julian because I wanted to make sure he had the right moniker.  I am definitely partial to guys named Julian. In fact, I loved the horrendous Bullock movie Premonition solely because her husband was played by Julian McMahon.

I started this blog because, the truth is, I am married to my writing, even when there are times when I don't even want to look at it.  I want to use this blog as a way to reaffirm my vows to writing on a regular basis. When I was younger, I used to keep a journal that I would write in daily. Some days I would just write a bunch of quotes from my favorite movies.  Some days I would just draw a picture or interpret a dream I had had. My goal with this blog is to write whatever comes to mind, so long as I write something.  Anything to keep the communication open.